WE MADE IT 2011 !!!

Hey it's 2011 !! 

I really never imagined I'd make it this far.

But of course,,,I never imagined not making it either.

One thing that really blows my mind tho,,,

is how quick it got here.

Pops told me there would be times like this.

Speaking of Pops (aka Old Fart) He just called.

Says this was the best Christmas he's ever had.

I'm  thinking Santa might of been hittin the hootch or

trippin on LSD when he put Pops name on the "Nice List".

There ain't no stinkin way he was that good !!

I swear !! There's a conspiracy going on,, LOL

But that's Okay,,,I'm not going to ask for an investigation.

However,,,my Momma just might.

(She can't believe it either)

I'll be truthful for a second,,, 

I believe we all had a wonderful Christmas.

I felt blessed just to get some time with family & friends.

(Okay,,truthfulness time is over)

My mandatory overtime is pretty much over. YAY !!

It was good for awhile,,,then it got to be too much.

6 days a week for 6 months,,,whewww

So you'll be seeing a little more of me around here now.

Send me some funny stories and jokes to share.

And speaking of that,,,yeah,,I know...

It's about time !!

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March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, 

and I got him an iPhone.  He just loved it. Who wouldn't? 

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she  bought me an iPad.

 My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came by so for her birthday I got my wife an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started......

What the wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

The divorce should be final any day now.....
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The Top 12 Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

· During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.

· His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, 

a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.

· When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, 

"Scroll down."

· C:\Downloads\Porn\2002\July\03\10PM-11PM\

· Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."

· He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

· Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.

· When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, 

"Boy, I'd like to click on her."

· You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.

· As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

· During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"

· His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you. He pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.

· During sex, she shouts, "More bandwidth!"
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A young pastor who normally rode a bike was walking despondently down the street when he came upon an older more experienced pastor.

The older pastor could see his young friend was troubled deeply.

"What is bothering you my son?" he asked.

"Well it appears a member of my congregation has stolen my bike"he replied.

The elder said, "If I may give you some advice you might get your bike back. Next Sunday preach on the 10 Commandments and when you get to 'Thou shall not steal', really emphasize it."

Well the next week they met again and the young pastor was once again riding his bike.

"Well " said the older one, "I see my advice worked."

"Yes" the young pastor replied, "I took your advice and preached

on the 10 Commandments and when I got to 'Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I'd left my bike."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to see his doctor, and the doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind,"

and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally, as a last resort, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this, no problem," and he throws some powder on a flame. 

There is a bright flash with billowing blue smoke.

The witch doctor says, "This is a very powerful healing but you
can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

"As long as I wish!" says the guy excitedly, so I can make love to my wife multiple times?

"As many times as you desire" says the witch doctor"

"When you wish it to go down all you have to say is

'1234' and it will go down. 

But be warned, it will not work again for a year!"

The guy can hardly wait to get home and surprise 

his wife with the good news....

So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", 

and suddenly he gets an amazing erection.

His wife turns over and says . . ."What did you say 123 for?"
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
I met a girl in the park the other evening.

 There was an instant spark between us and she 

immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought

“These taser guns are well worth the money.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Christmas Dolly
  This is an article submitted to a 2009 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners.  

It won first prize.
 

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of 

panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas.  

He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true.

I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.

  

They don't sell those things at Walmart.  

I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.  

You'll only confuse yourself.  I was there an hour saying things like,

'What does this do?'  'You're kidding me!'  'Who would buy that?'  

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. 

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 

'Love Dolls' come in many different models. 

The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.

I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' 

She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, 

Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let 

me in during the wee morning hours. 

Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.

I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.  I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, 

but had left the dog confused. 

She would bark, start to walk away, 

then come back and bark some more. 

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.' 

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' 

Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless.  'Why doesn't she have any teeth?' Again, I could have answered, but why would I?

It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, 

sidled up to me and said, 

' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' 

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise....not just talking, but actually flirting. 

It was then that we realized this might be 

Grandpa's last Christmas at home. 

The dinner went well.

  

We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed.

When suddenly Louise made a noise like my father 

in the bathroom in the morning.  

Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

  The cat screamed.  I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.  

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. 

We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape,

we restored her to perfect health. 

I can't wait until next Christmas.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    An 86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank

    Shown below is an actual letter that was sent 

to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
    The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
    ___________________________________
    Dear Sir:
    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

    By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

    I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
    pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

    You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

    I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

    From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

    My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and there after no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

    Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

    Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

    I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,

there is no alternative.

    Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
    countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) 

must be accompanied by documented proof.

    In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

    I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,

again, I have modeled
    it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
    As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

    Let me level the playing field even further.

    When you call me, press buttons as follows:
    IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

    #1. To make an appointment to see me.

    #2. To query a missing payment.

    #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

    #4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
 

    #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case...

I am attending to nature.

    #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

    #7. To leave a message on my computer, 

a password to access my computer is required.
    Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

    #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 thru 7.
   

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. 

The contact will then be put on hold,

pending the attention of my automated answering service.

    #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

    While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, 

uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

    Regrettably, but again following your example, 

I must also levy a establishment fee 

to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

    May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly 

less prosperous New Year?
    Your Humble Client
    And remember: Don't make old People mad. 

We don't like being old in the
    first place, so it doesn't take much to set us off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left 

but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. 

If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino 

where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.

He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address,etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said;
 "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the 

airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard toregain his financial success, returned to Vegas 

and this time he won big. 

Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the
front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs,
but his old buddy who had refused to give him a 

ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how
he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity

and he hit on a plan.

The cabbie recognized the businessman and watched 

as he got into the first cab in the line.

After a short conversation the driver became very 

agitated and screamed"
 "Get the hell out of my cab!!"

The businessman got into the next cab, had another short
conversation and was again told, "Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in 

the long line with the same result. 

When he got to his old friend at the backof the line,

he got in and asked 

"How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied, "fifteen bucks, and I bet you 

don't have any money right?"

The businessman said, "I have plenty of money" 

and flashed a wad of bills, "Drive on"

As they drove slowly past the line of cabs the businessman smiled
as he gave the other cabbies the thumbs up sign.

"I don't get it," said the driver, "why did the rest of the
guys scream at you to get out of their cabs?"

"I asked them if they'd give me a blow job for an extra $15"

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It's Party Time !!